Sandwiched between Instagram snaps of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson high-finning a beluga whale and bench-pressing a scrapyard's worth of iron sits an innocuous photo of some sushi in front of a laptop. The screen is open to a streaming service. He's about to sit down and soak in a documentary with a buffet of sushi. It's probably one of the most familiar images for workaday millennials everywhere: What to order on Seamless and what to queue up on Netflix?
I can't find when The Rock started posting "cheat meals"—which I have gathered through some clever Googling means "food that he eats to spice up his quotidian diet" of, according to ABC News, "an egg-white omelet or chicken breast and some rice." Snore. I know that many celebrities who have to gain muscle mass, the famous four Chrises come to mind, eat sad diets of boiled chicken breasts and steamed broccoli. But a cheat day, I would wager, should include a family of four carb-load meant to offset the low-level depression experienced by necking back a daily cocktail of egg whites.
Many of the preliminary entries on his #CheatMealSunday posts were stacks of pancakes, seemingly garnished with a slab of peanut butter and a healthy pour of Organic 365 maple syrup, sometimes topped with chocolate chips. All were accompanied by a Netflix documentary of some sort. It looked kinda gross. Like, sorry IHOP, but no matter how you style a stack of pancakes, they look like spheroidal disks of despair.
All of that changed, however, when the sushi train rolled into the station (read: The Rock’s mouth). Now, The Rock’s Instagram has become a bona fide carb heaven, a relatable tribute to the Hungry Man in all of us, and it—wait—CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN’? Yes, he's cookin' up likes on his Instagram while watching digestion-aid documentaries like the new Mr. Rogers film, Won't You Be My Neighbor? It’s a lofty pastime for the wrestler cum actor who might one day add president to his growing list of job titles.
This may seem unimportant to the layman. But I, a political food sleuth, have taken the liberty to assess these meals based on their potential to launch a presidential bid. Not to place too much importance on a meal, especially ones that look like heart attacks waiting to happen, but even his worst #cheat meals look healthier than our current Prez’s best. Sad! So let us now evaluate, via arbitrary criteria, the kinetic energy of his meals and how they, ahem, stack up to past presidential competition.