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8 Last-Minute Halloween Costumes for the True Procrastinator

Forgot about a party? We're saving you from endless embarrassment this Halloween

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October 26, 2018

We've all been there. Horror starts to burn a hole in the pit of your stomach as the office echoes with electrified chatter. You overhear, "Yeah, I've been planning for months. What are you going to be next week?"

 

Damnit. You eternal procrastinator! What are you going to be for Halloween?!

 

Luckily for you, we've imagined eight perfect get-out-of-jail-free costumes that you definitely already own, or can probably snag from the surrounds of your sad cubicle.

 

Happy Halloween, dudes. 

Dwight from "The Office"

1. It would behoove you to wear your worst, most ill-fitting suit to the office this day. Really lay it on. Grab your thickest tie, wear that button-down that hangs forgotten behind the crisp, white shirts. Do you have pants that don't really fit? Grab those. 

 

2. Can you steal glasses from one of your co-workers? Cool. Steal those.

 

3. Take the office stapler or calculator and place it in a tub of Jell-O. Hilarious! This is the true, identifying factor of your ensemble. 

 

4. Speak in terse sentences.

 

5. Bonus points for combing your hair into a sort of fishtail at your forehead. We appreciate the commitment.

 

Yay! You're Dwight. 

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Steve Jobs

While you could be a very true-to-life representation of the Apple co-founder by not wearing shoes, deodorant and living on a diet of the Halloween party punch, there is a much easier way to achieve his aesthetic without literally scaring people.

 

1. Wear a black turtleneck (tucked in, of course), light wash bootcut jeans and a black belt.

 

2. Can you locate some skinny-rimmed glasses? Do that. 

 

3. Proudly display your iPhone or old iPod to anyone and everyone. Walk around like it is your greatest possession and you don't know what you'd do without it. Dazzle friends with demonstrations of its powerful syncing ability.

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The Emoji Guy

The poop emoji is too involved to do last minute. So make it easy on yourself with the shrugging guy. It makes it even more fun when someone asks, "What are you dressed as?" *Shrugs*

 

1. Wear a long-sleeved blue shirt. 

 

2. Wear absolutely whatever you want on the bottom half of your body. For this night, only your torso exists. 

 

3. Make sure your hair is neat and tidy. 

 

4. Perfect the following arm movements:

 

     a. Sassy, Left Hand Out

 

     b. Inquisitive, Right Hand Raised (as if to ask a question)

 

     c. Firm, Two Arms Crossed In Front of Your Chest

 

     d. Ballet-like, Arms in High Fifth Position (as if holding a beach ball overhead)

 

     e. Left Palm to Cover Entire Face, with Fingers Spread

 

     f. Two Arms, Bent at the Elbows, with a Deep Shrug, indicating total bewilderment

 

Damn, you're the perfect Emoji Guy. 

The Old Spice Guy

1. Wear chinos with a belt, accompanied with a button-down to work. You know, your standard work attire.

 

2. When the clock strikes 5pm, take off said shirt and tie it around your neck, like Southern women do with cardigans in the summer. 

 

3. On the way to your soiree, purchase a bottle of Old Spice from your corner pharmacy, say CVS or RiteAid. 

 

4. Bonus point if you can ride in on a horse, but hey. We won't hold it against you if you can't make that happen on such short notice.

 

5. Talk in smooth, dulcet tones while subtly flexing. Good job. You're the Old Spice Guy!

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Superman

This one is pretty darn easy and you can't go wrong with a classic. While a phone booth could be fun to pop out of, it's not necessary and will only complicate things. K.I.S.S.: Keep it simple, stupid!

 

1. Using the nearest printer, print this logo in color. (Black and white, if you're janky.)

 

2. Tape said logo under whatever clothes you happen to be wearing. A combover doesn't hurt.

 

3. At the most opportune time, rip off your shirt to reveal your Superman logo. It's a great surprise when someone begins dissing your otherwise tired outfit.

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Bob Ross

Bob Ross, one of the most influential artists in the 21st century and the godfather of ASMR, would be a welcome addition to any party. Everybody loves Bob! You can do this easy, or really go in and buy some yellow ochre and phthalo blue if you're dedicated to the craft. The palette doubles as a drink tray.

 

1. Locate the nearest hung work of art in your office. Is is near your desk? Is it on your way to the bathroom? Look around, you can find one. We believe in you. 

 

2. Remove the work of art from its framing.

 

3. Stick your head through the frame. 

 

4. Wax poetic about the joy of painting.

Antoni from "Queer Eye"

1. Really, wear whatever you'd like. A graphic band T-shirt and jeans is a solid choice, but truly anything goes.

 

2. Locate an avocado. This avocado could be hidden in the depths of your office fridge, or it could be waiting for you at a local bodega.

 

3. Sexily smolder all evening and offer to lend a hand making simple appetizers like guacamole and cheese toast at the party. 

 

Et voilà. You're Antoni from Queer Eye

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Kanye West

1. Wear your baggiest sweatshirts, sweatpants, cargo pants and sneakers. The clothes you'd normally reserve for a day in bed are now your Halloween costume. 

 

2. Pair this oversized ensemble with arrogance and an overinflated sense of self-worth. 

 

3. Top the look off with a MAGA cap, and you're Kanye.