If you've ever found yourself at a murder scene and have wondered to yourself, "God, I really wish I had worn something more fitting for this occasion," then look no further.
Not only has Only Murders in the Building brought the casualness of murder into light, but it has also firmly established that the best murders are committed in the greatest of outfits.
If you're going to be at a murder anytime soon, it might be a good bet to roll up in the most anti-murder get-up of all time: a detective outfit.
If you happen to be accused of the murder itself, you'll blend right in when the cops arrive; they'll take you in as one of their own as if you're one of those giant gorillas at the zoo who comforts the children who come launching in from the fences above. Keep in mind, though, that you'll really have to commit to the act if you're going to keep up the cover. So, before throwing this 'fit on, make sure that you're cool with embarking on a completely new life as a detective.
A disillusioned teenager would be way too lazy to pull off a murder, right? All you'll need is a semi-fluffy bucket hat and a face that screams "I'd rather be anywhere but here" and you're good to go.
Listen, no one in a cardigan is committing a murder; people who routinely wear cardigans are way too pure of heart to be capable of homicide. So, if you are, in fact, the murderer, then perhaps consider stopping off at your local Professor Garb store before committing said murder. Bring along a beaten-up copy of On the Road and pair it with a weathered messenger bag and you'll be set.
Even if the woke grandmother did commit the murder at hand, there's no way anyone is about to question her about it. Would you walk up to this woman and accuse her of murdering someone? Yeah, no; she'd rip you apart right on the street for all to see and she'd definitely run over your foot with her walker in the process.
There's nothing like an ugly, messy pattern to throw you off your game. The colors? Horrific. The pattern? Disgusting. The tuck-in? A fashion crime. All around, there's just way too much going on here, and honestly, I don't know what the police would make of it all. Despite the overly-busy nature of the shirt, it seems like it would actually work if you were the murderer, the one being murdered, or simply a bystander being accused of the murder. For how ill-fitting it is, it could squeeze itself into just about any of these situations.
If you're the one doing the murdering, the blood stains will blend right in with the shirt, and if you're the one being murdered and have a prior engagement to attend right afterward, the blood stains will barely be visible. Finally, if you're a bystander on the street, you can just chalk everything up to the fact that your mother picked out this shirt for you and you felt obligated to wear it out in public.
Ah, the elusive statement jacket. No murderer in their right mind would wear as bold a jacket as this one to a crime scene—they're looking to blend in, not stick out like Ronald McDonald's winter coat. But that's where the reverse psychology comes into play: the police would be expecting the suspect to wear something a little bit more discreet, so by wearing an outfit a little on the louder side, you just might get off scot-free.
I actually think it's illegal to arrest someone who's able to so effortlessly pull off an outfit like this—and without spilling her drink, to boot.
Nothing screams "murder" like a bloody sweater.
Now, ideally, this would be real blood, but if it's too hard to come by, smashed cherries, wine, or ketchup will do. And if you're able to convince all of the other murder attendees to show up in a similar 'fit, you'll be able to pull off an "I'm Squidward" and blend right in. Power in numbers, my friend.
The best way to distract someone from the situation at hand is to throw an obnoxious amount of tie-dye at them. Their rods and cones will be so overrun with action that they won't even notice you're there. But if they do happen to notice you, they'll be too annoyed with the pattern that they'll completely avert their eyes and move on to the next suspect.
Not only is this one of the best outfits for evading suspicion, but if you happen to be the one getting murdered, I have to say, it's a pretty cozy outfit to go out in.
Yeah, the more and more I look at this cardigan, the more I'm convinced that I actually owned this exact outfit in Animal Crossing at some point in my life. It runs a thin line between whimsical and serious and given that it's a cardigan, there's no way you're being taken down for a homicide charge.
Basically, someone dressed this adorably just isn't capable of murder—it'd be like arresting a sentient rainbow.
*This entire article is satirical; I'm not advocating for murder, obviously.
Only Murders in the Building airs Tuesdays on Hulu.
