What the ‘Star Wars’ Droids Would Talk About in a Group Text

droid message mobile
Lucasfilm Ltd.

You’ve been added to a group chat with C-3P0, R2-D2, a Battle Droid, a Pit Droid, IG-88, and a Gonk Droid.

IG-88: So, anyone else catch that podrace on TV last night?

Battle Droid: Roger, roger.

Pit Droid: Yeah, I was there. Working. You know, cause some droids here have actual JOBS.

Battle Droid: Roger, roger. Rough day?

Pit Droid: Yeah, I was fixing up an old X-Wing at Peli Motto’s, and a really scary creature came in, so I had to hide in the corner and shake uncontrollably for a while.

C-3P0: R2?

C-3P0: R2, are you in here?

R2-D2: Yes, I’m here. I’m R2-D2, for God’s sake—I’m a living legend. But I’m working right now, so I might be a little late to respond.

R2-D2: I almost got obliterated by a Buzz Droid trying to take this selfie for you droids.

C-3P0: Very handsome, R2.

r2d2 selfie jpg
Lucasfilm Ltd.

An Imperial Probe Droid has just joined the chat.

C-3P0: Oh, dear!

An Imperial Probe Droid has just left the chat.

C-3P0: Oh, thank heavens.

C-3P0: I would still advise everyone here to be mindful of what they say. And while I realize that we have a Battle Droid in our company, I've already run a full diagnostic check, and he appears to be clean.

Battle Droid: Roger, roger, C-3P0. I left that life years ago. I retired to Ord Mantell to run a galactic cupcake business.


Battle Droid: Roger, roger.


R2-D2: My bad, I meant to scream that, not type it. Just got hit by the edge of a seismic charge and now I feel all sizzly.

C-3P0: R2, you've got to be more careful out there! You have me worried sick!

R2-D2: It's all good, I feel less sizzly now.

IG-88: So, how ‘bout that Empire, am I right?

Pit Droid: What about the Empire? The Empire is a scary, awful dictatorship. And it’s really scary. And you take bounty-hunting jobs from them. What about that? And did I mention it’s really scary?

IG-88: Geez, I was just trying to make some conversation with you droids.

C-3P0: The diagnostics I’ve just run on IG-88 reveal that whenever the bounty droid doesn’t know what to say, he resorts to played-out cliches to not feel awkward in a group setting.

IG-88 has just left the chat.

C-3P0: Oh, dear. Was it something I said?

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